Just say NO

Every girl goes through overwhelming emotions during her teenage life, but sometimes, it is just too much to handle. At least, for me it was.

It all started at camp. I was lonely, and none of my friends were there. I had a dream about being in a dark, doorless room. I was afraid, and it seemed like I could never get out.

At 4 in the morning I awoke, tears streaming down my cheeks. I stared across the room at the other silent snoozers. My throat tightened as I tried to hold back the tears and my chest felt like a million needles stabbing.

I grabbed the sharpest thing closest to me - a bracelet - and, for a reason I cannot understand, started slicing my arm. The act relieved me from my emotional pain, and afterward, I was satisfied in a way. I fell asleep.

For about two weeks, I didn't do it again. But then I tore even deeper. I was unhappy, and I felt like a nobody in a human shell.

Finally, I gave up my stubbornness not to tell anybody and told a close friend. My friend understood me and told me not to do it again. She herself had a history with cutting, and it was nice to know someone who understood.

I didn't want to betray my friend, so I would endure hours of emotional pain, fiddling with a sharp object, crying into my pillow. Never did I break my promise to my friend. I found it easier to live through days knowing someone else out there understood me and was maybe going through the same pain. Some days, I felt like I wanted to die, but then I would call up my friend and we'd talk. Some days, I was happy and gleamed with joy.

Then, the pain came back. I didn't listen to my friend, and I cut. I tore the skin, watching a glistening red drop of blood slither down my arm. Then I cried.

I still feel these terrible emotions, and it is not cool nor is it something to brag about. It is not a plea for attention. Every day I wish I didn't have this pain. One day, I hope to break free of this indescribable prison.

by Phaedra